My Re-Focus

In case you didn't notice, I haven't been writing about trading lately. As a matter of fact, I haven't been very motivated do anything trading related lately. January and February has been pretty terrible for me and mostly it's my fault. Yeah sure, the market was pretty boring for a long time. The only good news was the absence of bad news and the only bad news was there wasn't any good news, especially from Obama. I don't know if anybody felt this way but for the longest time we didn't hear anything concrete from the White House and when Geithner finally said something meaningful it was clear that this administration hasn't got any solutions too different from before or at least something to inspire some confidence in the people or the market. I hope the rest of these first 100 days are more exciting b/c I don't want to have canceled my trip to Germany for nothing.

Anyway, I was positive in January but far from my goals and after several silly rookie mistakes I'm clearly in the red for the month of Februray.

I had a really bad day last Monday so I took Tuesday off to clear my head b/c I was still so upset at myself Tuesday morning I was punching my mattress and swearing to try to get out some frustration. I had another bad day on Wednesday and I just decided to take the rest of the week off. I knew it was pointless to come in unless I can successfully put what has happened behind me and I was clearly too emotional. Both days I got in early at 7:30 and told myself to forget about the past and just focus on today; to be patient and pick my spots. Instead I continuously overtrade, take on bigger size than I should and goes on fucking tilt like in poker, making stupid and inexplicable decisions after decisions. Looking at some of the trades I took on I couldn't even tell you why I did what I did.

Simply put: I was sick of it. We were suppose to learn from our mistakes!! Yet here I was, sticking my hands back into the fire over and over again, getting burned each time. I struggled with the same problems last year around this time as well. Maybe we don't realy learn from our mistakes but we repeat them in a different fashion or magnitude. I've had bad days before and I've always bounced back nicely. That's just how I am; I'm a fighter. I sincerely believe life is less about what happens to you but more about how you respond. I surprised myself when I noticed how differently or poorly I was reacting this time around. I was simply beat up and defeated. I felt like my brain has been turned into mush and I have lost all will and consciousness to fight.

I'm really trying to think of it as nothing more than a little slump or bump in the road. Professional athletes go through it all the time. You don't get a base hit or sink a jump shot long enough you start to think that you'll never be able to do it again. I suppose you get a few lay ups going and slowly build back up that confidence and over time you'll be back on your game. I think writing about it helps. At least it'll get me to admit the stupid mistakes I made and eventually accept it and finally move on. Let's just say I've been spending the past 40 or so trading days in the desert battling my trading demons and now I am reborn to rise to a new height.

Something stood out to me during mass the other day, other than discipline, which I'm lacking at the moment, was the word re-focus. Obviously it was used in a spiritual context, but I clearly could use some re-focusing at work. Maybe the fact I haven't taken a vacation or some time just for myself has affected my psyche, but it's time to get my act back together. If I can trade w/ discipline maybe I'll take a day or two off to reward myself and go properly enjoy SXSW. I need to cleanse myself of my trading sins. I need to re-dedicate myself and take things more seriously, like pro athletes. Get in at 7:30 to catch up on news and other pre-game warm ups. 8:30 to 10:00am is 1st period and it's full speed ahead. 10:00 to 11:30am is 2nd period and you step off the pedal a bit and manage the game. 11:30am to noon is half time; go grab some lunch. noon to 1:30pm is 3rd period and you read your opponent and make adjustments as necessary. 1:30pm to the close at 3pm is the 4th period and you pick back up the intensity to finish strong. After the close you do some post-game evaluation and you prepare for the next game.

Volume and the VIX have picked up a bit. The first two weeks of March should make some good moves and then the traders will probably take their kids on spring break. Hopefully at least some of the them shares my thinking and decide to stay at their desks in case Obama does something meaningful.

It's crunch time for a lot of businesses and families out there to make ends meet in this economy and I need to have the same sense of urgency. The easy money is gone, u-quote doesn't happen as often now, plus so many funds out there have either blown up or they're sitting on the sideline in cash. It's just traders out there shooting each other in the back now. I've scout out my favorite spot and I'm just going to snipe them one by one without exposing my position.

I'm gonna bust out all kind of superstitious crap come morning. Lucky shirt, shoes, jeans, need to find my headband, eat breakfast, and just whatever else I can do to put myself in absolutely the most positive state of mind.