I didn't size correctly today. Pratically doubled most of my trades today and get in over my head. A losing day. Haven't had one in a while. Nothing too major or damaging. Will learn from this.
My brain feels very full right now. The same way my stomach feels after eating three Don Juan tacos. It's almost uncomfortable. I've been talking to so many different traders and reading different stuff. Have to digest all this and put this down on the blog soon. Lots of good stuff though. Expect good posts coming soon.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
My Training
Getting up early on Saturday morning sucks. Even though now that I've programmed myself to wake up early I still like to sleep in on Saturdays for an extra few hours. This Saturday was different though because we were having someone coming in to do some training for our office. I don't know exactly when I started following Brett's blog, maybe about a year ago or whenever he was a guest on Horowitz' podcast. I was really drawn to his perspective and what he was writing about trading from a psychological standpoint and the different technical indicators he used. Having read a lot of material on the human mind while I was doing sales I was pretty excited about his presentation and meeting him.
I took 7 pages of notes... yeah, I think I'll break up into sections. There were some really good stuff. I wish we did this more often. I'll start on what we talked about in our group break out sessions.
On being extremely profitable:
We talked a little bit more about having a plan compared to being stubborn when the plan is not working. Brett believes that when you're formulating a plan, you mentally rehearse for the different scenarios. I guess in a sense he was saying there's no way to be stubborn if you've already accounted for every scenario and what you are going to do in each case.
When the topic about the change in the market in 2009, Brett told us that the best thing we can do is to share what's working. You have to constantly process new information, whether it's through reading or listening and talking. Whichever method works for you best is what you should do.
In closing, Brett encouraged us to focus on the process and the money will eventually come. Learn to process your thinking in a different way and learn to love your losing trades b/c they will teach you something either about yourself, the market or the set up you're trading. You are who you are as a person and the trader side will reflect that as well. Learn to accept it, appreciate it, and love it because you can change it. I wish someone had told me this when I was like 16-years-old. I don't think I became fully comfortable in my skin until I was like 21 or 22.
I took 7 pages of notes... yeah, I think I'll break up into sections. There were some really good stuff. I wish we did this more often. I'll start on what we talked about in our group break out sessions.
On being extremely profitable:
- There are no extremely profitable as opposed to the consistently profitable. The extremely profitable takes on excessive risk and when they go into a slump they become extremely unemployed.
- The best traders study and work on themselves, even when they're on top of their games.
- Video tape, review and prepare for the market each day.
- How much time you spend in front of the screen internalizing and focus on the market is going to make a difference in the long run.
- You have to be constantly learning from others, always changing, improving
- There's a difference between people who work hard to trade for a living and those who trade to not have to work hard for a living (he lost me a little bit here... I think I was too busy writing)
- Expand into different markets, different time frames and different set ups.
- When expanding, play it with the smallest size you can
- Eventually you'll always have a couple of things working for you
- In general, learn how to trade one time frame larger (I think I have stretched a lot more into the 4-10 min. time frame so I'd be looking for set ups that I can hold into the 10-20 min. time frame)
- Not knowing what they're good at
- Not sizing up enough when they're seeing the market well
- Size up to a point where you won't ruin your whole day if you are wrong or whole week.
- In general, size up 10% more at a time
- 20 to 1 max to min ratio depending on when you know you are right or not sure at all
- Trade small size
- You won't know at first if it's just temporary but at some point you have to reign in your size
- Identify what's a normal slump so you won't get super worried when it happens
- Do not get more aggressive
- Focus on your core competency
We talked a little bit more about having a plan compared to being stubborn when the plan is not working. Brett believes that when you're formulating a plan, you mentally rehearse for the different scenarios. I guess in a sense he was saying there's no way to be stubborn if you've already accounted for every scenario and what you are going to do in each case.
When the topic about the change in the market in 2009, Brett told us that the best thing we can do is to share what's working. You have to constantly process new information, whether it's through reading or listening and talking. Whichever method works for you best is what you should do.
In closing, Brett encouraged us to focus on the process and the money will eventually come. Learn to process your thinking in a different way and learn to love your losing trades b/c they will teach you something either about yourself, the market or the set up you're trading. You are who you are as a person and the trader side will reflect that as well. Learn to accept it, appreciate it, and love it because you can change it. I wish someone had told me this when I was like 16-years-old. I don't think I became fully comfortable in my skin until I was like 21 or 22.
Friday, March 27, 2009
My Conversations
My conversation with David didn't turn out to be as beneficial as I had hoped but there were still some good stuff there. I didn't want to spend too much time talking about trade ideas or set ups because I personally felt that at this point the focus is on some of the more intangibles and mental aspect of the game. I wanted to figure out how to try to get to that next level, but I didn't hear anything new really. That is not a negative really, b/c it just reinforces some of the previous conversations I've had.
David's advice was to try new things, especially options and on small enough of a scale where I wouldn't care if I was wrong b/c the damage would be very minimal. I wanted to short SKF when it was way up high but we couldn't locate shares, I wish I had thought about selling some calls or buying a few puts. Next time, next time. One other thing I had to ask him was about what he was doing pre-market, which I didn't get the time to probe too much and I don't want to disclose his secret to everybody but it has to do with industry wide overall... how's that?
Next thing to work on is to scale my trading, meaning that either trade more shares of what works for me or in a different way or different industries. This led me to set up a lot more other link transformers for different stocks in the same industries that trade together or at least some what correlated. Another thing is to find a strategy that would work consistently enough for auto trading.
I've also try to take the initiative to talk to some of the newer traders, especially in our pod. Personally I felt like nobody to talk to when I first started. Only when I'm feeling extremely frustrated I'd go talk to Lawrence or Nick. In coaching them, I'm coaching myself a little bit as well. Because if I'm telling them to maintain their discipline or be patient and follow their trading rules then I better follow through on my end and be an example to them.
One of the rookies in particular... I won't name names but I'm beginning to be a little be frustrated b/c it's not necessarily he won't listen, it's just that I feel there are things he has convinced himself to be the truth when it's not really the case. I actually spent some time chatting with him after we played volleyball on Tuesday. Just so you know, by the time we were done it was about 11:40pm already and by the time I got into my car it was like 12:40am. He was incredibily frustrated and was just kind of beaten up. I'd say probably the first 40, 45 minutes or so was just me listening, relating to him. Finally it got to a point he was just whining way too much and I had to switch gears on him and tell him to pick up his skirt and go to work. Yeah, I actually did say that. Mr. Nice Guy approach wasn't getting through to him so I had to try something a little different. I told him that he knows how to trade and how to make money but he was letting little things stand in his way.
I think I'd be a good coach... I really do. I just need to get my production level up there and consistently to be nominated. A day at a time, a day at a time. I'm shooting to get there by end of May or the end of summer.
David's advice was to try new things, especially options and on small enough of a scale where I wouldn't care if I was wrong b/c the damage would be very minimal. I wanted to short SKF when it was way up high but we couldn't locate shares, I wish I had thought about selling some calls or buying a few puts. Next time, next time. One other thing I had to ask him was about what he was doing pre-market, which I didn't get the time to probe too much and I don't want to disclose his secret to everybody but it has to do with industry wide overall... how's that?
Next thing to work on is to scale my trading, meaning that either trade more shares of what works for me or in a different way or different industries. This led me to set up a lot more other link transformers for different stocks in the same industries that trade together or at least some what correlated. Another thing is to find a strategy that would work consistently enough for auto trading.
I've also try to take the initiative to talk to some of the newer traders, especially in our pod. Personally I felt like nobody to talk to when I first started. Only when I'm feeling extremely frustrated I'd go talk to Lawrence or Nick. In coaching them, I'm coaching myself a little bit as well. Because if I'm telling them to maintain their discipline or be patient and follow their trading rules then I better follow through on my end and be an example to them.
One of the rookies in particular... I won't name names but I'm beginning to be a little be frustrated b/c it's not necessarily he won't listen, it's just that I feel there are things he has convinced himself to be the truth when it's not really the case. I actually spent some time chatting with him after we played volleyball on Tuesday. Just so you know, by the time we were done it was about 11:40pm already and by the time I got into my car it was like 12:40am. He was incredibily frustrated and was just kind of beaten up. I'd say probably the first 40, 45 minutes or so was just me listening, relating to him. Finally it got to a point he was just whining way too much and I had to switch gears on him and tell him to pick up his skirt and go to work. Yeah, I actually did say that. Mr. Nice Guy approach wasn't getting through to him so I had to try something a little different. I told him that he knows how to trade and how to make money but he was letting little things stand in his way.
I think I'd be a good coach... I really do. I just need to get my production level up there and consistently to be nominated. A day at a time, a day at a time. I'm shooting to get there by end of May or the end of summer.
My Double Up
Trading's been going... well, surprisingly well actually. My confidence was completely shot to hell after February. I spent a good part of this month just dialing my shares back, being more selective and just slowing build my confidence back up. I've stopped playing EWZ and SPY as much, that probably helps a lot, too. I've been trading the REITs and agriculture stocks a lot like POT, AGU, MON, MOS, IPI. The thicker ones at least, with lots of liquidity. I just don't like the thinner ones like CF and BG. Much harder to judge my outs and having a reliable read, at least for me. My coach noticed that, too. We've been doing this peer evaluation feedback thing and funny that he had me this week. He said that he's been impressed with the past three weeks and obviously it's good to hear your boss impressed your performance.
Today just made it a little bit sweeter. I practically doubled my month in just one day. And it's not that I've been trading really shitty and not making any money lately. You know I don't like to talk about actual dollar values so let's just leave it at that. Funny thing is, I could've done better still. I know I'm just being hard on myself as usual and not giving myself enough credit. Just a few minor execution improvement like if I continue to put out additional orders or manage my position better could sweeten this situation even further. I'll have to keep that in mind the next time this situation happens. I have to focus on not getting cocky or complacent or even thinking that I don't deserve this money and let my discipline slip. Three more trading days left in March. Things could get much better still.
This rally we've had lately... even I'm starting to be a believer but technically we're still in a lower low down trend. Monday could be very interesting and I want to say that things are shaping up to be exactly how I imagined. Something's coming in April. I don't want to stick my neck out too far just yet, but once I see indications then I'll disclose and probably put on a large position.
I've been doing a lot of talking lately, both to senior traders and rookies. I took David out to lunch and we didn't get too deep but it was still beneficial. David's one of the brothers of our CEO so it was a pretty cool experience. I'm talking to another top trader soon and I'd like to keep it going. It's kind of like in sales and I just get them to refer me to somebody else and I think eventually I'll get to even some of the guys that I feel are unapproachable. I'll put my conversations in separate posts b/c I feel my posts can be a little too long sometimes =)
Brett Steenbarger is coming to our office this Saturday. Looking forward to it and getting lots of useful stuff from him. He has a lot of insight into the psychology of trading and set of indicators he looks at. I'm going to have to miss the crawfish boil for Texas Exes Young Alumni as well as the one for Texas Blazers. Oh well, too bad. Job is more important.
Today just made it a little bit sweeter. I practically doubled my month in just one day. And it's not that I've been trading really shitty and not making any money lately. You know I don't like to talk about actual dollar values so let's just leave it at that. Funny thing is, I could've done better still. I know I'm just being hard on myself as usual and not giving myself enough credit. Just a few minor execution improvement like if I continue to put out additional orders or manage my position better could sweeten this situation even further. I'll have to keep that in mind the next time this situation happens. I have to focus on not getting cocky or complacent or even thinking that I don't deserve this money and let my discipline slip. Three more trading days left in March. Things could get much better still.
This rally we've had lately... even I'm starting to be a believer but technically we're still in a lower low down trend. Monday could be very interesting and I want to say that things are shaping up to be exactly how I imagined. Something's coming in April. I don't want to stick my neck out too far just yet, but once I see indications then I'll disclose and probably put on a large position.
I've been doing a lot of talking lately, both to senior traders and rookies. I took David out to lunch and we didn't get too deep but it was still beneficial. David's one of the brothers of our CEO so it was a pretty cool experience. I'm talking to another top trader soon and I'd like to keep it going. It's kind of like in sales and I just get them to refer me to somebody else and I think eventually I'll get to even some of the guys that I feel are unapproachable. I'll put my conversations in separate posts b/c I feel my posts can be a little too long sometimes =)
Brett Steenbarger is coming to our office this Saturday. Looking forward to it and getting lots of useful stuff from him. He has a lot of insight into the psychology of trading and set of indicators he looks at. I'm going to have to miss the crawfish boil for Texas Exes Young Alumni as well as the one for Texas Blazers. Oh well, too bad. Job is more important.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
My Four Days and Four Nights
SXSW is over. I'm a little sad but I'm happy with how this year has gone. I met this one girl Jessica through playing volleyball and we decided to be South By buddies (plus her cousin) and turned out we had a lot of similar taste in music. I am happy with the fact that I stayed disciplined and made good trades at work even though I did oversleep. Also happy to report that I did manage to not touch alcohol for the duration of SXSW and even St. Patty's Day on top of that. I don't know how I did it but concentrating on getting good pictures really helped take my mind off of it. To recap...
Yay for:
Lisa Hannigan - "The female Damien Rice" quickly emerges as in a tag line b/c of their previous working relationship, although I'm sure her talent will earn its own merit and people will start dropping the comparison to Damien soon. She also has probably the cutest smile in the world. Her cheeks perk up when she smiles, make me just want to run up and pinch them. I heard she temporarily relocated to Austin, maybe I can be her new BFF.
Nikon 70-200mm lens - I've been shopping for a new lens for a while now. Since this one's full retail price is about $2,100 I decided to rent it for a week instead for less than $200. For the most part I'm pretty impressed. I wouldn't mind it being even faster and possibly lighter but I've gotten some amazing photos this week because of it. I remember years ago wondering how people get these amazing concert photos for Rolling Stone and then actually attempting it and now finally have the confidence to say that I can produce photos almost just as good.
The Parish - We've been fortunate to be blessed with some amazing acts and having NPR host their day party there again. Meiko, Sara Bareilles, K'naan, Ra Ra Riot, Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears, Okkervil River, Blitzen Trapper and having Jason Hammel from Mates of State to DJ for us in between sets. Although part of me felt that I hung out at the Parish way too much and wasted money on the wristband.
Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't heard them live until this week. I was gonna go to the new CD release party back in January I think but I didn't make it. They currently have dethroned Spoon as my favorite musical act from Austin.
Will Sheff and Okkervil River - You're talented. The ladies love you. I wish I could grow a beard like yours. 'Nuff said.
iPod Touch - I got a new iPod. My old one has served me bravely for many many years. It's happened before where it just freezes or the battery completely shuts down on me only to come back alive a few days later, perfectly fine as if nothing had happened. For this reason I started calling my iPod Meredith after Grey's Anatomy b/c of her revival after drowning in one of the seasons. My friend Brett works at Apple so he got me a 15% discount. This is just perfect for all the new music I discovered this week!
Losing 5 lbs - Most of that is probably water weight; some of it has to do w/ hauling the camera and walking all over town.
Meiko - I heart Meiko. I think we've established that. I actually ran into her randomly right before the alley behind Logan's. She was wearing a bright yellow green dress. Part of me wanted to follow her and see where she went and I'm glad Sensible Jason talked Stalker Jason out of it. She was probably just going somewhere to grab a bite to eat or her hotel room. I wish I had worn my Lacoste polo in the exact same color, then it definitely would be a sign. She worn white for her performance that night at The Parish though... that was a sign that I should propose I think. Sara Bareilles - I got a picture with her! She's gotten even more beautiful since last year if that's even humanly possible.
St. Vincent - aka Annie Clark. I got to meet her at the NPR party. I even shook her hand which is the equivalent of shaking magic since she does some amazing things with an guitar in her hands. She was in The Polyphonic Spree and toured with Sufjan Stevens and I'm pretty sure she can kick my ass in Guitar Hero.
Chrissie from New Orleans - randomly lady that I started talking to whiling listening to M. Ward's acoustic set at Halcyon. I basically was just using some Dale Carnegie principles and let her talk about herself. This lady was from New Orleans and she used to be a sommelier and her husband owns Hastings Entertainment (kind of like B&N?) and has over 10,000 vinyl records. She said when they moved they had dolly after dolly full of records. We talked about New Orleans, oysters, Top Chef, Mother's Restaurant, music, wine and just about everything. She gave me two mixed CD's and her contacts. I think I pretty much just won the "Free CDs 4 Life" prize.
Boo for:
Kanye West - I just don't care about him anymore. My patience is wearing thin for him and his ego. They had to send out multiple text messages through different sources to try to get people to come to the performance. I think some of the organizers got nervous when they didn't see a long line out the tent. If you want me to go further I'll even say that Kanye doesn't produce any real music. He obviously can't sing. He samples other people's music. When was the last time he produced anything original on his own? If you want me to go there I will, but I won't.
Perez Hilton - I'll give props to Perez for his taste in music especially with Meiko and thanks for stopping by the establishment but he's not even a real celebrity ok? Stop worshipping this guy like he's God. Real celebrities come to SXSW as real music fans and keep a low profile like Drew Barrymore (ran into her at The Parish Saturday night).
Not getting a press pass for the camera - I never had any real problems with it other than at Stubb's but this year almost every place was giving me crap about not having a tag for my camera. Maybe that's the downside of the big lens that it draws more attention. Even at The Parish the volunteers would give me problems so I basically just go in through the backdoor after that.
SXSW Volunteers - Look, I appreciate probably 98% of the volunteers. People that gave up their spring breaks or time off work to make this event possible. There are rules, many of them not popular rules, that you have to enforce in order to make SXSW go smoothly. Things change however when you go on a total power trip and thinking you're the Almighty Himself. Seriously, turn it down a notch. Why don't you go home and worry about your algebra homework more than if I have a shoelace dangling over the line?
Rachel Ray - How could you poop on Rachel Ray?! I know, right? Just watch a few episodes of Bourdain's show and you'll understand what I'm talking about. Hey great line up again this year Rachel (The Hold Steady, Ra Ra Riot, Bob Schneider, Semi-Precious Weapons) and heck of a party but that pussy husband of yours John Cusimano might want to get his balls reattached and not pimp you to promote his band. The Cringe? Funny that's exactly what I get when I hear their music. You have a lot of ways to go until the Nickelback level but still... you're pretty bad. At the very least, not good. It's a shame that you're sharing the spotlight with all these other awesome bands and not to mention your darling wife. Ok, so I guess this is really more pooping on John than Rachel.
Speaking of Nickelback... Jessica and I have determined that they're quite possibly the worst band ever and the worst export out of Canada so if you ever have to argue against NAFTA in your debate class, bring this up.
yes, I know music has nothing to do w/ NAFTA but have a sense of humor, ok?
Yay for:
Lisa Hannigan - "The female Damien Rice" quickly emerges as in a tag line b/c of their previous working relationship, although I'm sure her talent will earn its own merit and people will start dropping the comparison to Damien soon. She also has probably the cutest smile in the world. Her cheeks perk up when she smiles, make me just want to run up and pinch them. I heard she temporarily relocated to Austin, maybe I can be her new BFF.
Nikon 70-200mm lens - I've been shopping for a new lens for a while now. Since this one's full retail price is about $2,100 I decided to rent it for a week instead for less than $200. For the most part I'm pretty impressed. I wouldn't mind it being even faster and possibly lighter but I've gotten some amazing photos this week because of it. I remember years ago wondering how people get these amazing concert photos for Rolling Stone and then actually attempting it and now finally have the confidence to say that I can produce photos almost just as good.
The Parish - We've been fortunate to be blessed with some amazing acts and having NPR host their day party there again. Meiko, Sara Bareilles, K'naan, Ra Ra Riot, Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears, Okkervil River, Blitzen Trapper and having Jason Hammel from Mates of State to DJ for us in between sets. Although part of me felt that I hung out at the Parish way too much and wasted money on the wristband.
Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't heard them live until this week. I was gonna go to the new CD release party back in January I think but I didn't make it. They currently have dethroned Spoon as my favorite musical act from Austin.
Will Sheff and Okkervil River - You're talented. The ladies love you. I wish I could grow a beard like yours. 'Nuff said.
iPod Touch - I got a new iPod. My old one has served me bravely for many many years. It's happened before where it just freezes or the battery completely shuts down on me only to come back alive a few days later, perfectly fine as if nothing had happened. For this reason I started calling my iPod Meredith after Grey's Anatomy b/c of her revival after drowning in one of the seasons. My friend Brett works at Apple so he got me a 15% discount. This is just perfect for all the new music I discovered this week!
Losing 5 lbs - Most of that is probably water weight; some of it has to do w/ hauling the camera and walking all over town.
Meiko - I heart Meiko. I think we've established that. I actually ran into her randomly right before the alley behind Logan's. She was wearing a bright yellow green dress. Part of me wanted to follow her and see where she went and I'm glad Sensible Jason talked Stalker Jason out of it. She was probably just going somewhere to grab a bite to eat or her hotel room. I wish I had worn my Lacoste polo in the exact same color, then it definitely would be a sign. She worn white for her performance that night at The Parish though... that was a sign that I should propose I think. Sara Bareilles - I got a picture with her! She's gotten even more beautiful since last year if that's even humanly possible.
St. Vincent - aka Annie Clark. I got to meet her at the NPR party. I even shook her hand which is the equivalent of shaking magic since she does some amazing things with an guitar in her hands. She was in The Polyphonic Spree and toured with Sufjan Stevens and I'm pretty sure she can kick my ass in Guitar Hero.
Chrissie from New Orleans - randomly lady that I started talking to whiling listening to M. Ward's acoustic set at Halcyon. I basically was just using some Dale Carnegie principles and let her talk about herself. This lady was from New Orleans and she used to be a sommelier and her husband owns Hastings Entertainment (kind of like B&N?) and has over 10,000 vinyl records. She said when they moved they had dolly after dolly full of records. We talked about New Orleans, oysters, Top Chef, Mother's Restaurant, music, wine and just about everything. She gave me two mixed CD's and her contacts. I think I pretty much just won the "Free CDs 4 Life" prize.
Boo for:
Kanye West - I just don't care about him anymore. My patience is wearing thin for him and his ego. They had to send out multiple text messages through different sources to try to get people to come to the performance. I think some of the organizers got nervous when they didn't see a long line out the tent. If you want me to go further I'll even say that Kanye doesn't produce any real music. He obviously can't sing. He samples other people's music. When was the last time he produced anything original on his own? If you want me to go there I will, but I won't.
Perez Hilton - I'll give props to Perez for his taste in music especially with Meiko and thanks for stopping by the establishment but he's not even a real celebrity ok? Stop worshipping this guy like he's God. Real celebrities come to SXSW as real music fans and keep a low profile like Drew Barrymore (ran into her at The Parish Saturday night).
Not getting a press pass for the camera - I never had any real problems with it other than at Stubb's but this year almost every place was giving me crap about not having a tag for my camera. Maybe that's the downside of the big lens that it draws more attention. Even at The Parish the volunteers would give me problems so I basically just go in through the backdoor after that.
SXSW Volunteers - Look, I appreciate probably 98% of the volunteers. People that gave up their spring breaks or time off work to make this event possible. There are rules, many of them not popular rules, that you have to enforce in order to make SXSW go smoothly. Things change however when you go on a total power trip and thinking you're the Almighty Himself. Seriously, turn it down a notch. Why don't you go home and worry about your algebra homework more than if I have a shoelace dangling over the line?
Rachel Ray - How could you poop on Rachel Ray?! I know, right? Just watch a few episodes of Bourdain's show and you'll understand what I'm talking about. Hey great line up again this year Rachel (The Hold Steady, Ra Ra Riot, Bob Schneider, Semi-Precious Weapons) and heck of a party but that pussy husband of yours John Cusimano might want to get his balls reattached and not pimp you to promote his band. The Cringe? Funny that's exactly what I get when I hear their music. You have a lot of ways to go until the Nickelback level but still... you're pretty bad. At the very least, not good. It's a shame that you're sharing the spotlight with all these other awesome bands and not to mention your darling wife. Ok, so I guess this is really more pooping on John than Rachel.
Speaking of Nickelback... Jessica and I have determined that they're quite possibly the worst band ever and the worst export out of Canada so if you ever have to argue against NAFTA in your debate class, bring this up.
yes, I know music has nothing to do w/ NAFTA but have a sense of humor, ok?
Monday, March 16, 2009
My Next Step
Solid day. pre commission I'm over the top performer line. After commission I'm just under. Traded one them high dollar stocks today and pretty happy with the result. I had a plan and I stuck with it. Got away with some revenge trading though so I'll have to watch that since I'm pressing a little bit to be in the green to free me up the rest of the week.
I had a chat with Jane, who is now the head of our trading floor after the close about getting to that next level. I was sharing with her that at this point, I don't think the key for improvement is not in the knowledge, now it's some of the more intangibles. In Dale Carnegie training we were talking about there's knowledge, through practice it translate into your attitude and further cement into skill and you start over again. When it comes down to it, knowledge only accounts for 15% of someone's success.
I know there are no silver bullet, no magic formula that somebody is going to say to me and immediately the next day I'm just going to get it and make a lot more money. At the same time, if there's anything that I can do to speed up that process I'd like to know. I kind of expected what Jane is going to say and it was going to be an answer that I didn't like, which is that it takes time. The best thing I can do now is to congratulate myself on how far I've come, build on that confidence. It's very much a mental game from here on out.
I'm starting to talk to some more HP's now, but I want to spend some more time thinking about questions and mental or psychological aspects to discuss with them.
I had a chat with Jane, who is now the head of our trading floor after the close about getting to that next level. I was sharing with her that at this point, I don't think the key for improvement is not in the knowledge, now it's some of the more intangibles. In Dale Carnegie training we were talking about there's knowledge, through practice it translate into your attitude and further cement into skill and you start over again. When it comes down to it, knowledge only accounts for 15% of someone's success.
I know there are no silver bullet, no magic formula that somebody is going to say to me and immediately the next day I'm just going to get it and make a lot more money. At the same time, if there's anything that I can do to speed up that process I'd like to know. I kind of expected what Jane is going to say and it was going to be an answer that I didn't like, which is that it takes time. The best thing I can do now is to congratulate myself on how far I've come, build on that confidence. It's very much a mental game from here on out.
I'm starting to talk to some more HP's now, but I want to spend some more time thinking about questions and mental or psychological aspects to discuss with them.
My Thoughts Exactly
I saw this on the Paste Magazine website today and I couldn't agree more.
Do not wear new shoes.
And if you do, do not walk all the way across town just to buy a tablecloth.
Pedicabs and the 'Dillos are your friends.
Comfortable footwear notwithstanding, sometimes you just need to catch a lift. The Dillo trollies on Fifth and Sixth streets a little bumpy, but free and convenient. And Pedicab rides are every bit as terrifying as they seem, but are still a fun (and environmentally-friendly) taxi-alternative that go all over the city.
or better yet, plan your schedule to where you don't need to use them and spend valuable time traveling across town to South Congress or Manor Road.
Don't get too attached to your plans.
They will probably change.
Bands tend to run behind schedule as the day goes on
Accept that there's always something you're missing.
You can spend every hour thinking about the six bands you're not seeing, or you can just enjoy the one in front of you.
My biggest problem. Cloning is the solution.
Plan ahead, especially when the words "buzz band" are involved.
If you really want to see an act, avoid the pain of being stuck out on the curb while the sounds of the next big thing wafts at you from inside. Get there early, even if it might mean taking in a band you're not so keen on (and you never know-- they could be the next next big thing).
Don't be afraid to go it alone.
Last year, I dumped two Brit-hop loving compatriots at Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip and headed up by myself to see Bon Iver at Mohawk. It was hard to feel lonely while being elbowed in the ribs by no less than ten awed strangers at once.
Drink when it's free...
Many day parties have free liquor, and that'll let you clear your head by the wee small hours—just in time to get a good night's sleep and wake up feeling fine.
...but pace yourself.
You probably can't have all the beer and all the bands and all the tacos that you want to have without barfing and/or passing out. Take it easy at first, get your business done, then save the serious craziness for the last day and just zonk out on the flight home.
Go to Hut's.
If you are hungover, or if you've ever been hungover, or if there is a chance you may ever be hungover at any point in your life, consumption of these hamburgers is simply imperative.
... eh, Hut's is too far from the heart of the action. Go to Stubb's and grab a BBQ sandwich instead.
Eight Survival Tips for Your First SXSW
Do not wear new shoes.
And if you do, do not walk all the way across town just to buy a tablecloth.
Pedicabs and the 'Dillos are your friends.
Comfortable footwear notwithstanding, sometimes you just need to catch a lift. The Dillo trollies on Fifth and Sixth streets a little bumpy, but free and convenient. And Pedicab rides are every bit as terrifying as they seem, but are still a fun (and environmentally-friendly) taxi-alternative that go all over the city.
or better yet, plan your schedule to where you don't need to use them and spend valuable time traveling across town to South Congress or Manor Road.
Don't get too attached to your plans.
They will probably change.
Bands tend to run behind schedule as the day goes on
Accept that there's always something you're missing.
You can spend every hour thinking about the six bands you're not seeing, or you can just enjoy the one in front of you.
My biggest problem. Cloning is the solution.
Plan ahead, especially when the words "buzz band" are involved.
If you really want to see an act, avoid the pain of being stuck out on the curb while the sounds of the next big thing wafts at you from inside. Get there early, even if it might mean taking in a band you're not so keen on (and you never know-- they could be the next next big thing).
Don't be afraid to go it alone.
Last year, I dumped two Brit-hop loving compatriots at Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip and headed up by myself to see Bon Iver at Mohawk. It was hard to feel lonely while being elbowed in the ribs by no less than ten awed strangers at once.
Drink when it's free...
Many day parties have free liquor, and that'll let you clear your head by the wee small hours—just in time to get a good night's sleep and wake up feeling fine.
...but pace yourself.
You probably can't have all the beer and all the bands and all the tacos that you want to have without barfing and/or passing out. Take it easy at first, get your business done, then save the serious craziness for the last day and just zonk out on the flight home.
Go to Hut's.
If you are hungover, or if you've ever been hungover, or if there is a chance you may ever be hungover at any point in your life, consumption of these hamburgers is simply imperative.
... eh, Hut's is too far from the heart of the action. Go to Stubb's and grab a BBQ sandwich instead.
My Diminishing Return
My schedule was a little out of wack on Sunday and since I didn't really eat dinner when I woke up this morning/night I was craving some Don Juan breakfast taco from Juan in a Million. If any of you watches The Travel Channel, there's a new show called Man v. Food where this guy, Adam, goes around the country and take on the eating challenges of each city. When he came to Austin, he went to Juan in a Million and tried to break the record of 7 Don Juan's by eating 8.
The most I've ever done was 2, after New Years Eve this year where I was slightly hung over and hungry as hell. Each taco is 3/4 of a pound. Basically I was full as can be when there are about 3 or 4 bites left of the 2nd taco. This morning, instead of driving straight to work I took a 20 minute detour and I bought FOUR DON JUANS to go. I don't know exactly what I was expecting but I somehow managed to get three of them down. That's 2 1/4 pound of food! I didn't enjoy that 3rd one at all. It started to trigger my gag reflex as I was working on the last half of the third taco.
The most I've ever done was 2, after New Years Eve this year where I was slightly hung over and hungry as hell. Each taco is 3/4 of a pound. Basically I was full as can be when there are about 3 or 4 bites left of the 2nd taco. This morning, instead of driving straight to work I took a 20 minute detour and I bought FOUR DON JUANS to go. I don't know exactly what I was expecting but I somehow managed to get three of them down. That's 2 1/4 pound of food! I didn't enjoy that 3rd one at all. It started to trigger my gag reflex as I was working on the last half of the third taco.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
My Groove
Solid week. Flirted with that top performer mark the first three days. Starting to get my groove back. I tried to stay away from some of the ETFs for the most part and really dialed down my share size. Honestly though I should've done better. I've called the rally on Monday and Tuesday but I've only made about half or a third of what I normally would make just because my confidence is a little lower recently that I took less size and took profit a little quicker as well. Got burned on Thursday because of a stop triggered but didn't get me out of my entire position... and I kind of stared at it for maybe 20 seconds too long instead of just listening to my stop. Overall, good week. Well within expectation..... but I should've done better. I'm going to start dipping my toes in some of the high dollar stocks and start spending time talking to other traders on what's working for them. I feel like I'm plateauing and I don't like it.
I'm expecting a slow week this week. After that run up we'll probably just bounce around this price level for a while unless significant news comes out. Most of the traders are probably out on vacation with their kids, too. I'll see how the action is on Monday and Tuesday and decide if I'm going to take the rest of the week off for SXSW music. Friday is option expiration though so... we'll see. It's always fun and a little bit stressful playing with the schedule during SXSW since I'm anal about scheduling. There are so many bands I'd like to see playing at the same time sometimes and then you'd have to consider which one of them play at a different time on another day and maybe you can see them then but if that conflicts again...... yikes.
Other than my girl Meiko, I really want to see The Decemberists, Bishop Allen, The Von Bondies, Peter Bjorn and John, K'Naan, Ra Ra Riot, The Hold Steady. And is this officially "retro" now? I can't quite believe my eyes when I see Fastball, Third Eye Blind and Marcy Playground playing at SXSW. Some of my high school faves. Hells yeah!
I'm expecting a slow week this week. After that run up we'll probably just bounce around this price level for a while unless significant news comes out. Most of the traders are probably out on vacation with their kids, too. I'll see how the action is on Monday and Tuesday and decide if I'm going to take the rest of the week off for SXSW music. Friday is option expiration though so... we'll see. It's always fun and a little bit stressful playing with the schedule during SXSW since I'm anal about scheduling. There are so many bands I'd like to see playing at the same time sometimes and then you'd have to consider which one of them play at a different time on another day and maybe you can see them then but if that conflicts again...... yikes.
Other than my girl Meiko, I really want to see The Decemberists, Bishop Allen, The Von Bondies, Peter Bjorn and John, K'Naan, Ra Ra Riot, The Hold Steady. And is this officially "retro" now? I can't quite believe my eyes when I see Fastball, Third Eye Blind and Marcy Playground playing at SXSW. Some of my high school faves. Hells yeah!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
My Certainty
Nothing is certain but death and taxes.Is there suppose to be correlation or causal relationship between the two though?
There's a "trader tax" proposed by this
Here's a clip of his interview on Fox Busniess. Normally I despise Fox News with a passion, especially that angry leprechaun that we somehow call a journalist Bill O'Reily but I have to say that Fox Business is actually pretty impressive, especially the HD version. It would make me a very happy person if we can get Bloomberg news or Fox Business in the office instead of CNBC.
The intent of this is to have the tax fund the $700 billion TARP. Have Wall Street pay for Wall Street I guess you can say. Hmm... interesting, because I am not Wall Street. Your grandmother buying for her retirement is not Wall Street. We are not the Big Boys with our big swinging dicks getting in way over our heads. There's so much cash just sitting on the sideline right now and this tax is definitely not going to inspire confidence for people to get in. Or any taxes for that matter. Most people knew about Obama's intention to raise taxes, especially on the rich but I have to say even I'm surprised that he's doing this so quickly. Chalk me up under the Keynesian camp but I believe that in a time or economic crisis the government should increase spending and cut taxes. Yeah, it sucks the deficit is large right now but now is not the time to raise taxes. A few years down the line when the market has recovered, then you do it, but of course don't do it too close to re-election time right?
As far as I know this bill is just sitting in the committee stage and not going anywhere but with all the anti-Wall Street sentiment right now I wouldn't be surprised if it builds momentum. If it does get passed though, it's gonna drive another coffin into the market. One of the biggest thing us traders do is we provide liquidity in situations of a huge influx of orders and if it's gone you're going to see larger, more erratic drops in the market. This is kind of like when they put out a ban on short selling last year, thinking that it's going to help but it's gonna totally backfire with a vengeance.
What really got me fuming was that this Defaggio guy says that this would not hurt a lot of his constituents. Ok, none of the people that voted for him is invested in securities? When the market drops another leg none of them will get hurt right? They all have their cash stashed under a huge Olympics size pool mattress?? You want to make something that can be resolved in 2-3 years time into 10-20 years then go right ahead. I really just don't like smug bastards that talk out of their asses and have to have a script to look at when he's being interviewed. Obviously he doesn't have all the facts yet.
Speaking of death... my mom is in Taiwan right now and she went to get a follow up because she suspected last year that she has breast cancer. I feel kind of bad that I'm not reacting stronger to this but maybe it's just because after years of Dale Carnegie training I don't really get stressed out over things. It could very well be nothing. Even if it is something it is very treatable if it's caught early. My grandmother also had a stroke who is now rehabbing. Sigh... I might have to take some time off and fly back for a week or two.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
My Lucky Break
Caught a lucky break in one of the Citigroup (C) preferred shares today and getting on the top performer list. Well deserved though in my opinion. I think with the way Citigroup and Bank of America (BAC) is trading lately there are a lot of opportunities in the preferred shares. BAC has the BAC class preferreds and also the BML class. Might also consider a few other financials with a lot of different preferred shares. My main concern is liquidity since preferreds don't have as much volume. I need to go in early in the morning and set up my playbook for this.
I considered breaking one of my rules and go play video games and I was glad I didn't b/c I increased my profits by another 50% for the day. I should've flipped to more bullish towards the close but I didn't and took a small hit but it's ok.
Still would like to see myself refine my entries more on the ultra short ETFs; maybe adding liquidity more instead and having a clearer defined entry, profit & loss target out.
Blockbuster (BBI) announced they were considering filing for bankruptcy. Immediately I wanted to make a play on Netflix (NFLX). I got long and then after it broke support towards the close I shorted it. NFLX has such a high short interest and if people were to cover it would run it up so much. I think it's somewhere in the high 60's percentage wise. I could've done better w/ the trade still though. Getting in earlier b/c of my conviction and holding on to the winners better by giving it a slightly larger and more reasonable room to work. Judging by the NFLX reaction towards the close I wanted to get long BBI but it has been halted for a while by that time.
I considered breaking one of my rules and go play video games and I was glad I didn't b/c I increased my profits by another 50% for the day. I should've flipped to more bullish towards the close but I didn't and took a small hit but it's ok.
Still would like to see myself refine my entries more on the ultra short ETFs; maybe adding liquidity more instead and having a clearer defined entry, profit & loss target out.
Blockbuster (BBI) announced they were considering filing for bankruptcy. Immediately I wanted to make a play on Netflix (NFLX). I got long and then after it broke support towards the close I shorted it. NFLX has such a high short interest and if people were to cover it would run it up so much. I think it's somewhere in the high 60's percentage wise. I could've done better w/ the trade still though. Getting in earlier b/c of my conviction and holding on to the winners better by giving it a slightly larger and more reasonable room to work. Judging by the NFLX reaction towards the close I wanted to get long BBI but it has been halted for a while by that time.
Monday, March 2, 2009
My Recovery
Flat day today. Missed the morning and a free u-quote. I still think I overtraded just a bit though but I was glad that I got my size more under control. I had people running my risk management halved my daily loss limit and I originally wanted to see if they can restrict my share size by certain stocks or ETFs but they couldn't so I had to take it upon myself to do that. I know I didn't want to get into more than 200 shares of any of the leveraged ETFs and no more than 800 shares of SPY and EWZ until I can get my head back on straight.
Overall, still a small victory today. I'm just trying to do the small things and build my confidence back up. Get a few base hits before I go back to my regular share size.
Overall, still a small victory today. I'm just trying to do the small things and build my confidence back up. Get a few base hits before I go back to my regular share size.
My Re-Focus
In case you didn't notice, I haven't been writing about trading lately. As a matter of fact, I haven't been very motivated do anything trading related lately. January and February has been pretty terrible for me and mostly it's my fault. Yeah sure, the market was pretty boring for a long time. The only good news was the absence of bad news and the only bad news was there wasn't any good news, especially from Obama. I don't know if anybody felt this way but for the longest time we didn't hear anything concrete from the White House and when Geithner finally said something meaningful it was clear that this administration hasn't got any solutions too different from before or at least something to inspire some confidence in the people or the market. I hope the rest of these first 100 days are more exciting b/c I don't want to have canceled my trip to Germany for nothing.
Anyway, I was positive in January but far from my goals and after several silly rookie mistakes I'm clearly in the red for the month of Februray.
I had a really bad day last Monday so I took Tuesday off to clear my head b/c I was still so upset at myself Tuesday morning I was punching my mattress and swearing to try to get out some frustration. I had another bad day on Wednesday and I just decided to take the rest of the week off. I knew it was pointless to come in unless I can successfully put what has happened behind me and I was clearly too emotional. Both days I got in early at 7:30 and told myself to forget about the past and just focus on today; to be patient and pick my spots. Instead I continuously overtrade, take on bigger size than I should and goes on fucking tilt like in poker, making stupid and inexplicable decisions after decisions. Looking at some of the trades I took on I couldn't even tell you why I did what I did.
Simply put: I was sick of it. We were suppose to learn from our mistakes!! Yet here I was, sticking my hands back into the fire over and over again, getting burned each time. I struggled with the same problems last year around this time as well. Maybe we don't realy learn from our mistakes but we repeat them in a different fashion or magnitude. I've had bad days before and I've always bounced back nicely. That's just how I am; I'm a fighter. I sincerely believe life is less about what happens to you but more about how you respond. I surprised myself when I noticed how differently or poorly I was reacting this time around. I was simply beat up and defeated. I felt like my brain has been turned into mush and I have lost all will and consciousness to fight.
I'm really trying to think of it as nothing more than a little slump or bump in the road. Professional athletes go through it all the time. You don't get a base hit or sink a jump shot long enough you start to think that you'll never be able to do it again. I suppose you get a few lay ups going and slowly build back up that confidence and over time you'll be back on your game. I think writing about it helps. At least it'll get me to admit the stupid mistakes I made and eventually accept it and finally move on. Let's just say I've been spending the past 40 or so trading days in the desert battling my trading demons and now I am reborn to rise to a new height.
Something stood out to me during mass the other day, other than discipline, which I'm lacking at the moment, was the word re-focus. Obviously it was used in a spiritual context, but I clearly could use some re-focusing at work. Maybe the fact I haven't taken a vacation or some time just for myself has affected my psyche, but it's time to get my act back together. If I can trade w/ discipline maybe I'll take a day or two off to reward myself and go properly enjoy SXSW. I need to cleanse myself of my trading sins. I need to re-dedicate myself and take things more seriously, like pro athletes. Get in at 7:30 to catch up on news and other pre-game warm ups. 8:30 to 10:00am is 1st period and it's full speed ahead. 10:00 to 11:30am is 2nd period and you step off the pedal a bit and manage the game. 11:30am to noon is half time; go grab some lunch. noon to 1:30pm is 3rd period and you read your opponent and make adjustments as necessary. 1:30pm to the close at 3pm is the 4th period and you pick back up the intensity to finish strong. After the close you do some post-game evaluation and you prepare for the next game.
Volume and the VIX have picked up a bit. The first two weeks of March should make some good moves and then the traders will probably take their kids on spring break. Hopefully at least some of the them shares my thinking and decide to stay at their desks in case Obama does something meaningful.
It's crunch time for a lot of businesses and families out there to make ends meet in this economy and I need to have the same sense of urgency. The easy money is gone, u-quote doesn't happen as often now, plus so many funds out there have either blown up or they're sitting on the sideline in cash. It's just traders out there shooting each other in the back now. I've scout out my favorite spot and I'm just going to snipe them one by one without exposing my position.
I'm gonna bust out all kind of superstitious crap come morning. Lucky shirt, shoes, jeans, need to find my headband, eat breakfast, and just whatever else I can do to put myself in absolutely the most positive state of mind.
Anyway, I was positive in January but far from my goals and after several silly rookie mistakes I'm clearly in the red for the month of Februray.
I had a really bad day last Monday so I took Tuesday off to clear my head b/c I was still so upset at myself Tuesday morning I was punching my mattress and swearing to try to get out some frustration. I had another bad day on Wednesday and I just decided to take the rest of the week off. I knew it was pointless to come in unless I can successfully put what has happened behind me and I was clearly too emotional. Both days I got in early at 7:30 and told myself to forget about the past and just focus on today; to be patient and pick my spots. Instead I continuously overtrade, take on bigger size than I should and goes on fucking tilt like in poker, making stupid and inexplicable decisions after decisions. Looking at some of the trades I took on I couldn't even tell you why I did what I did.
Simply put: I was sick of it. We were suppose to learn from our mistakes!! Yet here I was, sticking my hands back into the fire over and over again, getting burned each time. I struggled with the same problems last year around this time as well. Maybe we don't realy learn from our mistakes but we repeat them in a different fashion or magnitude. I've had bad days before and I've always bounced back nicely. That's just how I am; I'm a fighter. I sincerely believe life is less about what happens to you but more about how you respond. I surprised myself when I noticed how differently or poorly I was reacting this time around. I was simply beat up and defeated. I felt like my brain has been turned into mush and I have lost all will and consciousness to fight.
I'm really trying to think of it as nothing more than a little slump or bump in the road. Professional athletes go through it all the time. You don't get a base hit or sink a jump shot long enough you start to think that you'll never be able to do it again. I suppose you get a few lay ups going and slowly build back up that confidence and over time you'll be back on your game. I think writing about it helps. At least it'll get me to admit the stupid mistakes I made and eventually accept it and finally move on. Let's just say I've been spending the past 40 or so trading days in the desert battling my trading demons and now I am reborn to rise to a new height.
Something stood out to me during mass the other day, other than discipline, which I'm lacking at the moment, was the word re-focus. Obviously it was used in a spiritual context, but I clearly could use some re-focusing at work. Maybe the fact I haven't taken a vacation or some time just for myself has affected my psyche, but it's time to get my act back together. If I can trade w/ discipline maybe I'll take a day or two off to reward myself and go properly enjoy SXSW. I need to cleanse myself of my trading sins. I need to re-dedicate myself and take things more seriously, like pro athletes. Get in at 7:30 to catch up on news and other pre-game warm ups. 8:30 to 10:00am is 1st period and it's full speed ahead. 10:00 to 11:30am is 2nd period and you step off the pedal a bit and manage the game. 11:30am to noon is half time; go grab some lunch. noon to 1:30pm is 3rd period and you read your opponent and make adjustments as necessary. 1:30pm to the close at 3pm is the 4th period and you pick back up the intensity to finish strong. After the close you do some post-game evaluation and you prepare for the next game.
Volume and the VIX have picked up a bit. The first two weeks of March should make some good moves and then the traders will probably take their kids on spring break. Hopefully at least some of the them shares my thinking and decide to stay at their desks in case Obama does something meaningful.
It's crunch time for a lot of businesses and families out there to make ends meet in this economy and I need to have the same sense of urgency. The easy money is gone, u-quote doesn't happen as often now, plus so many funds out there have either blown up or they're sitting on the sideline in cash. It's just traders out there shooting each other in the back now. I've scout out my favorite spot and I'm just going to snipe them one by one without exposing my position.
I'm gonna bust out all kind of superstitious crap come morning. Lucky shirt, shoes, jeans, need to find my headband, eat breakfast, and just whatever else I can do to put myself in absolutely the most positive state of mind.
My Religion
Lent started this week and I figured that if there ever is a perfect time to start going to church again this would be it. I went to a 6:30am mass since it was somewhat on the way to work, plus it's only a few blocks from Cancer Girl's place. I thought there would be a slim chance I'd run into her :P
I'm by no means a hardcore religious nut. You will definitely not hear me citing the scripture. In fact, I think the PC term to describe me is a "non-practicing Catholic." You can probably argue that the only reason my grandmother started going to church was b/c the churches give out rice and flour in Taiwan post WWII. My parents probably wouldn't drag us to mass every Sunday if other parents in the congregation didn't judge or sneer when we miss a Sunday. That was probably the biggest thing that bugged me about going to church: the fact that you are suppose to love each other yet here you have these soccer moms w/ their holier than thou attitude judging you and thinking she's so much better than you. I thought God is the only one that has the right to judge people? If you add the fact that there are masses done in Latin where I don't understand what's going on at all, 8am or earlier mass time, and how some masses break out into a song every five minutes and go for two hours you can see why I tend to have a negative attitude towards going to church every Sunday.
It's never been that I want to go to church; it's always I have to. It's always out of fear of negative punishment than positive reward.
However, lately and during my senior year in college where I almost committed suicide I began to find that mass has become the last place I can go and find some peace for my mind and be alone with my thoughts. And I like that. I don't have to think about my appointments or my to-do list and million other distractions going on in my head. The only other places I can do this at seems to be when I go running and when I'm at airports. I also find that as I get older sometimes I'm not strong enough to face whatever challenge was kicking my ass and somehow my faith got me through it.
I didn't really know what I would be giving up yet. I know I want it to be fasting of some kind and it's gotta be kind of difficult but still do-able where I would take it seriously and I want it to be something that would remind me of Christ. Giving up facebook doesn't remind me of Christ. I wish I could gain or do something instead of give up something. For what it's worth I decided to give up alcohol for 40 days. I'll definitely be tested when SXSW comes around.
I'm by no means a hardcore religious nut. You will definitely not hear me citing the scripture. In fact, I think the PC term to describe me is a "non-practicing Catholic." You can probably argue that the only reason my grandmother started going to church was b/c the churches give out rice and flour in Taiwan post WWII. My parents probably wouldn't drag us to mass every Sunday if other parents in the congregation didn't judge or sneer when we miss a Sunday. That was probably the biggest thing that bugged me about going to church: the fact that you are suppose to love each other yet here you have these soccer moms w/ their holier than thou attitude judging you and thinking she's so much better than you. I thought God is the only one that has the right to judge people? If you add the fact that there are masses done in Latin where I don't understand what's going on at all, 8am or earlier mass time, and how some masses break out into a song every five minutes and go for two hours you can see why I tend to have a negative attitude towards going to church every Sunday.
It's never been that I want to go to church; it's always I have to. It's always out of fear of negative punishment than positive reward.
However, lately and during my senior year in college where I almost committed suicide I began to find that mass has become the last place I can go and find some peace for my mind and be alone with my thoughts. And I like that. I don't have to think about my appointments or my to-do list and million other distractions going on in my head. The only other places I can do this at seems to be when I go running and when I'm at airports. I also find that as I get older sometimes I'm not strong enough to face whatever challenge was kicking my ass and somehow my faith got me through it.
I didn't really know what I would be giving up yet. I know I want it to be fasting of some kind and it's gotta be kind of difficult but still do-able where I would take it seriously and I want it to be something that would remind me of Christ. Giving up facebook doesn't remind me of Christ. I wish I could gain or do something instead of give up something. For what it's worth I decided to give up alcohol for 40 days. I'll definitely be tested when SXSW comes around.
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